The Jane Genie

It came to my attention yesterday, just as we were taking our seats in Pizza Express, that Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, was a terrible party host. Granted, in The Fellowship of the Ring he obviously takes great care to invite a nice variety of men, elves and dwarves. But whose silly idea was it to sit the Mirkwood elves and the Durin dwarves next to each other? That's only going to end in catastrophe. And then he sat Aragorn and Boromir apart, probably because he knew Boromir was going to be a total nob, but nevertheless - he and Aragorn could have swopped numbers or something or asked each other what their favourite Gondorian football team was. Not a chance thanks to Elrond's bad planning. I suppose it's a miracle at all that Aragorn was there. I don't think he was invited. He just sort of turned up with three little people asking to see Frodo. It's likely that Elrond never invited Aragorn because he's sick of Arwen pining over him all the time.

"Ada, where is Aragorn?"

"Oh deary me sweetie, it turns out he rejected the invite I sent him. I don't think he wants to see you ever again. Now, lets pack a bag you're going to live out of for the rest of time and get you on that boat to the Undying Lands."

He didn't even provide snacks! Not even a little bowl of M&Ms or cheese puffs! What a cop-out. No wonder Sam was so keen to go back home; he'd realised they weren't getting lunch. It was probably tough for Elrond to have friends over. It stems from a bad sleepover with Isildur when they were younger. Isildur had marshamallows and they were about to toast them when Elrond got all bossy and started bellowing "ISILDUR! CAST IT INTO THE FIRE!" Little did he know he'd be repeating those words later on but in a slightly different set of circumstances.

He wasn't invited back.

Mind you, it could be worse. You could have ended up travelling with Merry and Pippin and the Uruk-hai. I notice Pippin didn't even bother asking about second breakfast when he was with them. As we all, I'm sure, remember, the Uruk's "...ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!" Given the choice I think I'd rather eat nothing. Then they kill one of their travelling party and eat him so all in all, it is a bit worse than Rivendell's lack of cheese snacks.

Or Moria, where everyone is dead and the Balrog is wandering about thinking about taking old wizards into his pit. Ooer.