"Like all of us waiting for the start of the new season [Daniel Craig] was so desperate to see the beautiful game he tuned in to watch the Women's World Cup. And apparently his enthusiasm had nothing to do with the shirt-swapping after 90 minutes."

- Gordon Smart, The Sun, 21/07/11

This from a man who is married to the daughter of Dunfermeline Athletic's director of football. I understand that The Sun is desperately scraping the barrel at the moment, what with their lord and saviour being pied at every chance the public gets, but resorting back to boring old sexism is simply way too predictable. I imagine there were whoops of joy around the office when Rebecca Leighton was arrested. Finally! Something to put on the front page other than pictures of David Beckham holding his baby daughter and people being jumped on by a leopard in India.

Gordon Smart manages to turn a story that could have been positive - Daniel Craig is quoted as saying "It looks great. The standard has gone through the roof. I was watching Japan v Sweden and I thought it was a men's international, it was so fast." - into yet another negative piece on women's football.

His Wikipedia page states that he is still an 'aspiring journalist'. I think we can probably all see why. Grow up, Mr Smart.

It came to my attention yesterday, just as we were taking our seats in Pizza Express, that Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, was a terrible party host. Granted, in The Fellowship of the Ring he obviously takes great care to invite a nice variety of men, elves and dwarves. But whose silly idea was it to sit the Mirkwood elves and the Durin dwarves next to each other? That's only going to end in catastrophe. And then he sat Aragorn and Boromir apart, probably because he knew Boromir was going to be a total nob, but nevertheless - he and Aragorn could have swopped numbers or something or asked each other what their favourite Gondorian football team was. Not a chance thanks to Elrond's bad planning. I suppose it's a miracle at all that Aragorn was there. I don't think he was invited. He just sort of turned up with three little people asking to see Frodo. It's likely that Elrond never invited Aragorn because he's sick of Arwen pining over him all the time.

"Ada, where is Aragorn?"

"Oh deary me sweetie, it turns out he rejected the invite I sent him. I don't think he wants to see you ever again. Now, lets pack a bag you're going to live out of for the rest of time and get you on that boat to the Undying Lands."

He didn't even provide snacks! Not even a little bowl of M&Ms or cheese puffs! What a cop-out. No wonder Sam was so keen to go back home; he'd realised they weren't getting lunch. It was probably tough for Elrond to have friends over. It stems from a bad sleepover with Isildur when they were younger. Isildur had marshamallows and they were about to toast them when Elrond got all bossy and started bellowing "ISILDUR! CAST IT INTO THE FIRE!" Little did he know he'd be repeating those words later on but in a slightly different set of circumstances.

He wasn't invited back.

Mind you, it could be worse. You could have ended up travelling with Merry and Pippin and the Uruk-hai. I notice Pippin didn't even bother asking about second breakfast when he was with them. As we all, I'm sure, remember, the Uruk's "...ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!" Given the choice I think I'd rather eat nothing. Then they kill one of their travelling party and eat him so all in all, it is a bit worse than Rivendell's lack of cheese snacks.

Or Moria, where everyone is dead and the Balrog is wandering about thinking about taking old wizards into his pit. Ooer.

I understand the point of YouTube, but frankly I'm never going to be one to sit down and make videos and expect people to watch them etc. I like watching Vloggers but on the whole, I'll never be one. Nevertheless, YouTube is very important because where else would you go to watch cats hugging each other or episodes of Recess or interviews with Bradley Cooper in which he speaks fluent French (hoooo my God!!).

Occasionally a video comes along that is a real gamechanger.

This happened to me today. Storming straight into the list of my favourite YouTube videos of all time, behind Maru, Jurassic Park 'Hey', Cinema 2009, and Nike's 'Write The Future' is this masterpiece:

God knows what'll happen if someone makes me watch this after a few drinks. Watching it today I've already been screaming with hysterical laughter. Tim Berners-Lee would be proud of what we've achieved with his creation.

I like the buttery biscuit base. Peace out.

Ten Things To Look Out For (Spoiler Free As Promised):

1. A Twitter revolution.

2. Oswald freakin' Danes.

3. "Captain Jack Bollocks".

3. Ear muffs.

4. Ramblers.

5. The Severn Bridge meets the CIA.

6. "What if you detatch the head?".

7. Mother/daughter bickering about a diet of lard.

8. An old name is recycled.

9. Someone hurts their arm.

10. A rocket launcher on a Welsh beach.

As a side note, the episode was fantastic. I'm desperate to see episode two but it looks like we'll have to wait until after July 14th, the unconfirmed air date. It had pretty much everything we love about Torchwood (action, dark humour, Captain Jack) plus some new, great characters like Bill Pullman being a crazy, creeper, Lecter-like criminal which is definitley a reason to sit down and check out the show, even if nothing else tempts you. Which, frankly, is unlikely.

Today I was punched in the eye by Laura's cat. Hence the teeny tiny black eye. Granted it was probably my fault for sticking my face right near hers but still. Ouch. The day did not improve from here, it has to be said. Mother, I'd stop reading now. Please.

Penis

Lol haha willy

Lmao big spunky chode

Hmm motorboarding...

This was the point at which I, in bold, realised that I wasn't actually texting Laura, as I'd assumed, I was actually texting my BOSS. This would probably explain my confusion as to how Laura was texting me back whilst still playing LA Noire. Anyway I texted back with this:

Omg! Those were meant for my friend Laura!!! Now I'm embarrassed! Major apologies! x

And I got this in return:

Lol I just found it very funny! It's cool :) xx

Thank God for a good working relationship. I doubt the editor of The Guardian would find it as funny. Yikes.

This post has done nothing to quash the cat lady rumours. Not that there were any...

My Life, My Future (minus the American-ness).

Hi. Let me tell you what is happening right now. I am sitting on my bed, writing this. I have eaten my toast and finished my mug of green tea. It's raining a lot. I am listening to the Arctic Monkey's new album Suck It And See because it came out today and I just bought it. Oh, and I have my first maths re-take this afternoon. So I'm going a little insane but weirdly I'm not as panicky as I was yesterday. This may or may not be a good thing.

Yeah, so I'm off at 12:30ish because I need to pick up a black pen in Morrisons (I am so organised, can you tell?) and then I get to the place which is a church so if I need to pray Jesus is close by. At 1:30 shit gets real and I do maths for an hour and a half before coming home and counting down the hours until Friday when I have my second one.

For those who don't know - I've never really been fantastic at maths. It's not that I don't want to learn it or anything, it's just some stuff I can't understand no matter how hard I try. I've definitely got more confidence now than when I did last time I did these exams and failed so that's nice. I can do an exercise over and over again and then someone will ask me a question and I will still not be able to give them the right answer. Luckily the first questions in these exams tend to be things like TELL THE TIME or WRITE 1,234 IN WORDS. So I don't know why I'm worried. I guess I just don't agree with exams very much but who does?

Also on Thursday I'm supposed to be working 9-3, which was originally 9-3:30 until I told my boss I have to be in London for an important thing which she obviously didn't believe but I have proof if she wants it that badly. I don't particularly want to work on Thursday. My exam starts at 8:30 on Friday morning and I want Thursday to go over stuff and revise. But no, I have to work and then get a train and I won't be home until 6ish by which time I really don't want to get into revision. When I made the point my exam is on Friday morning, my boss said "Well that's fine because you finish at 3". Yeah, and after that? Bahh. Totally the reason we used to have something called 'Study Leave'. Utter pooballs. All this is simply going to mean I'm going to be a panicking mess on Thursday all day and Friday morning is going to induce a meltdown.

Thanks a bunch Plimmons!